Familial Love vs Ideological Incompatibility

     Young white Americans, like myself, who are educated on the racial inequalities plaguing our nation have a responsibility to help inform the more bigoted members of our race. It may seem rewarding, albeit tiring, when we engage in a dialogue with strangers, acquaintances, and even friends. It can have dire consequences however when one tries to talk to family members about these issues. A question I would like to ask the members of this blogging community is what methods of starting, conducting, and concluding a conversation about race with family members who have racists tendencies have been most effective in your experience? For now, let me share my experience.

     I have family members who fall on nearly every point of the spectrum of racism from social justice warriors too borderline white supremacists. Naturally, family gatherings can become tense when political or racial views are expressed. The method I was always taught growing up to deal with this is to ignore racially charged comments in favor of civility. I don’t think this is a legitimate way to deal with this issue as a family for a number of reasons. Firstly it gives the false impression to our more bigoted relatives that we are ok with what they are saying. Our lack of response may seem like a clear symbol of our disagreement to us but it could be interpreted by others to be unspoken agreement. Secondly, it does nothing to address the issue for the future meaning that every holiday the same racist opinions are greeted with the same awkward silence and no progress is made.

     One family member in particular has refused to accept this silence as a means to maintain peace among the family. My sister, to her great credit, has always been outspoken about her political beliefs especially pertaining to oppression and persecution of minorities in the United States. Her attempts to start a dialogue however very rarely result in a productive conversation. I think this is due to the fact that some of the older members of my family have a very limited idea as to what sources of news are accurate and which are bias. Hastily quoted statistics are quoted to invalidate legitimate concerns and the term “just google it” is dished out as liberally as the alcohol fueling the conversation. The biggest issue is perhaps that the more racist members of the family don’t see their beliefs as racist but rather as realist. While the more socially conscious members are unprepared as far as evidence is concerned for a conversation they would be more comfortable avoiding. Fights have gotten emotional in the past and while there is still a strong sense of familial love I fear that the limited dialogue has resulted in our family becoming more distant and resentful rather then closer and more sympathetic.

     One solution has been complete isolation abandoning, for years at a time, any attempt to communicate with family members who's views seem so outrageous that it overshadows the more positive aspects of their personalities. This abandonment of family can be justified but it is no more productive for progress then the method of ignoring the issue an remaining silent was. Another method has been subtile hints about that is and isn’t ok. The effectiveness of the borderline passive aggressive statements is hard to tell but little to no change in the rhetoric of the racist elements in the family has yet been observed by me.

     The degree of racism in my family has ranged from humor meant with little or no ill intent to acts that clearly have a impact of the lives and experiences African Americans and should not be tolerated. For example, the hanging of confederate memorabilia in a private home could perhaps be justified but the hanging of a confederate flag within a shared living situation in which the African American member of the household expressly commented on how uncomfortable it made him feel is downright wrong. Asking their roommate if they were ok with the flag, finding out that the flag insulted them, and continuing to hang the flag despite this, is sending a clear message of insensitivity toward their roommate. This sort of insensitivity is indicative of how racism manifests itself in many segments of my extended family. More concerning perhaps is that this type of culturally insensitive and oppressive behavior is not reserved to the older generations of my family but rather has been handed down from generation to generation and manifest itself in the millennials as clearly as it did with the greatest generation.

     I don’t want to hate my family for their beliefs nor do I want to ignore their unacceptable behavior. Confronting them in a manner that is both productive and doesn’t result in their own resentment of my political ideology is something I must find a way to do. These conversations aren’t easy to have with strangers but are even harder to have with people you love and are connected to. If anyone has advice or experience addressing this issue I would be very much appreciative of it. So please tell me in the comments what worked and what hasn't worked? So that maybe this Christmas can be the beginning of a far more productive conversation among my family and perhaps some of your families as well.